How Ginger Cat (and counselling) helped me choose donor conception.
After many months of letting questions fry my brain and feeling like I'd never be able to move forward, our counsellor Jacqui took a bold step, gently nudging us towards finding out first hand by attending an open evening, organised by Altrui, one of the UK's primary donor conception teams. This, we duly did.
In October of last year, we attended said open evening. A bit like the waiting room at every IVF clinic we've been too... the open evening was filled with people like us. Sad looking couples staring at the floor, cloaked in a sense of unspoken defeat and shame. But, once the speakers began, my own sense of relief seemed to reverberate around the room. It was like someone had switched on the light.
There we heard from three women; a young adult who had been conceived from a donor egg, a mother of a donor-conceived child and an egg donor. It was a mind-opening event for us - and here are some of the key take-outs that helped us move forward.
The donor-conceived child... had grown up in the knowledge of how she came into the world. Knowing from an early age, she said, had normalised the situation - she didn't feel any sense of stigma or difference. She understood that a kind and selfless lady had helped her beloved mother to bring her into the world. And, the fact her parents had been honest from day one, fostered a special trust between them that left her secure in herself and her family and, she added, gave her little reason to ever seek her genetic donor.
The egg donor was fascinating. "Please let her be normal, please let her
be normal" was ringing in my head before she stood up. I had been living
with the latent fear that, should I opt for the egg donor route; what if my
donor was a crazy woman? What if she was hideously ugly? What if... perish the
thought, she was NOT NORMAL? Fear of the unknown, in any capacity, is the worst
kind. Choosing an anonymous donor takes this to new heights. But... this donor
was... NORMAL!!!! It was like the heavens opened and angels sang. Hooray!
Hooray! Hooray! Obviously a sample of one is not exactly representative... and
I know Altrui weren't likely to scare the bejeezus out of us by presenting
a crazy-ugly-woman but, she was just a regular woman - who had conceived her
children with the help of a sperm donor and wanted to pay the favour forward by donating
her eggs. "PHEW" thought I. Wouldn't I be the lucky one for a
woman like that to help me.
And, finally, the most potent talk of the evening was from a woman who had conceived a son using a donor egg (her young son was actually in the audience - and didn't so much as bat an eyelid at all the chat). What immediately struck me was that she articulated pretty much every one of the questions and worries I listed in my previous post. She too had spent months navigating grief and disbelief while processing complex and potentially life-changing questions, just as we had been. Her head had too been wrecked by a series of 'Whys and What-ifs'. But there was one thing she'd said that had particularly touched us, cutting through all the confusion. Her cat. Let me explain...
In the year running up to this day, Husb and I had been 'adopted' by Ginger Cat - a lovely little ginger female that belonged to our neighbour but had been displaced by a new kitten. Ginger Cat had come to us at rock bottom. We'd stored up all this love and optimism, only to be faced with grief and emptiness. And here was a tiny being that, for some reason, chose us. She'd meeowed her way into our home and our hearts and added warmth to what had become a cold, cold place. Why is she relevant? Well, this lady talked of her and her husband's struggle to understand if they could truly love another being. So they got a cat. And, learning quickly that they had so much unspent love, they realised that they had plenty of love to go around; and it was strong enough to overcome all the 'Whys and What-ifs'.
Call it silly, but given our own feelings for lovely Ginger Cat, we suddenly realised that we too had love just waiting to be freed; waiting for a little one to join our family. Ginger Cat was our angel cat, she came to us to help us move forward. Wonderful purry little GC. Of course, the decision wasn't quite that simple. But it helped give us a moment of clarity in the fog. We could be loving parents. We can totally do this!
Small steps though... so, based on the open evening, we decided to at least start the search for a suitable donor. More on that to follow...
In October of last year, we attended said open evening. A bit like the waiting room at every IVF clinic we've been too... the open evening was filled with people like us. Sad looking couples staring at the floor, cloaked in a sense of unspoken defeat and shame. But, once the speakers began, my own sense of relief seemed to reverberate around the room. It was like someone had switched on the light.
There we heard from three women; a young adult who had been conceived from a donor egg, a mother of a donor-conceived child and an egg donor. It was a mind-opening event for us - and here are some of the key take-outs that helped us move forward.
The donor-conceived child... had grown up in the knowledge of how she came into the world. Knowing from an early age, she said, had normalised the situation - she didn't feel any sense of stigma or difference. She understood that a kind and selfless lady had helped her beloved mother to bring her into the world. And, the fact her parents had been honest from day one, fostered a special trust between them that left her secure in herself and her family and, she added, gave her little reason to ever seek her genetic donor.
And, finally, the most potent talk of the evening was from a woman who had conceived a son using a donor egg (her young son was actually in the audience - and didn't so much as bat an eyelid at all the chat). What immediately struck me was that she articulated pretty much every one of the questions and worries I listed in my previous post. She too had spent months navigating grief and disbelief while processing complex and potentially life-changing questions, just as we had been. Her head had too been wrecked by a series of 'Whys and What-ifs'. But there was one thing she'd said that had particularly touched us, cutting through all the confusion. Her cat. Let me explain...
In the year running up to this day, Husb and I had been 'adopted' by Ginger Cat - a lovely little ginger female that belonged to our neighbour but had been displaced by a new kitten. Ginger Cat had come to us at rock bottom. We'd stored up all this love and optimism, only to be faced with grief and emptiness. And here was a tiny being that, for some reason, chose us. She'd meeowed her way into our home and our hearts and added warmth to what had become a cold, cold place. Why is she relevant? Well, this lady talked of her and her husband's struggle to understand if they could truly love another being. So they got a cat. And, learning quickly that they had so much unspent love, they realised that they had plenty of love to go around; and it was strong enough to overcome all the 'Whys and What-ifs'.
Call it silly, but given our own feelings for lovely Ginger Cat, we suddenly realised that we too had love just waiting to be freed; waiting for a little one to join our family. Ginger Cat was our angel cat, she came to us to help us move forward. Wonderful purry little GC. Of course, the decision wasn't quite that simple. But it helped give us a moment of clarity in the fog. We could be loving parents. We can totally do this!
Small steps though... so, based on the open evening, we decided to at least start the search for a suitable donor. More on that to follow...
Comments
Post a Comment