I ran (how I learned to stop hating my body).

Before my first pregnancy, I was a healthy size 10 with abs to die for. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to 'listen to my body' and eat what I wanted - it was the first time in my adult life that I hadn't felt guilty about the odd bit of cake here and there. But, when miscarriage struck and a year later, there was still no pregnancy, food became my comfort. And, when we started the IVF journey, even though Husb helped me maintain a healthy diet - I felt like I'd given up every pleasure in life (no booze and no sex drive SUCKS) so I continued to indulge my love of fine dining so that, at least, I had one thing to enjoy in life.

The longer my infertility continued, the more toxic my relationship with my own body became. Formerly so proud of my flat stomach and upright boobs, I began to despise seeing myself in the mirror; clothes became a means to hide, my love of matching lingerie descended into a drawer of Bridget Jones knickers and I felt I was no longer the sassy wife that Husb had fallen in love with. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely hideous (although I felt it) - but I wasn't my hard-bodied self of old. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???

So, last December, when we finally decided to start the search for an egg donor, I pledged that, by hook or by crook, I WAS GOING TO GET FIT! If I was going to receive the gift of another woman's eggs, the least I could do was make sure my body was in good nick - with a healthy BMI to boot.

Having tried and lapsed at almost every exercise I'd tried in the past, several friends recommended running. "I'll never be able to run" said I, "It's just not my thing". My friend Chris suggested I tried the NHS Couch to 5K app - he'd had a hot tip from the mums at his child's school. I decided that there was no time like the present - and, even though it was a week before Christmas (the height of party season and also FREEZING), Husb dutifully took me to the local running emporium where I was kitted out with my first pair of running shoes and some natty but inexpensive running garb.

To say I took to running like a duck to water is not exactly the case. For the first couple of weeks I thought I might expire on the street, it was so tough. But, with the help of some motivating narration by Sarah Millican, I stuck to the training and gradually improved my distance and speed.

Sadly, two weeks after I started running, I lost my beloved step-father to Cancer. Cared for by the wonderful MacMillan Cancer Support nurses, I decided that not only would running help me through the grief, but I could raise money for MacMillan by signing up to the Vitality London 10K race on 28th May 2018. Having a focus for my grief and my energy was a life saver for me. And, it's true what they say - running is great for the mind and soul too - it gives that invaluable reflection time where the mind can process complex thoughts and emotions. I literally ran through the pain. I ran for Geoff, I ran for my mum and I ran for my lost babies.

I put in a good shift at the 10k and raised over £2,300 for the cause. And then I kept on running. AND I GOT FIT!!!!! I never thought I would enjoy running but now it's a staple part of life and the elation after every run never subsides. In fact I've done another 10k since and am planning another one soon.

Yes, I lost a bit of weight but, more importantly, I am fitter, healthier and happier. Upping my fitness means I've toned up; I feel better in myself and less of a bloody failure all round. I'd conditioned myself to hate my body; this body that had let me down so dramatically. I can't say that I'll ever truly be at one with my physicality again but, for the time being, running has saved me both physically and mentally.

Here's my top 5 tips for getting fit for fertility:

1. Find a training app you like, and stick to it - for me, the Couch to 5k made running fun. Particularly with Sarah Millican giving me motivational support!
2. Running costs nothing, you can go any time, any where - all you need is a decent pair of running shoes (get them properly fitted, my first pair cost £50 in the sale)
3. Find your nearest Park Run - they're in most major cities now - a 9am Saturday morning 5k run gets every weekend off to an energetic start (and it takes away the temptation to get squiffy the night before!)
4. It's meant to feel like hell for the first couple of weeks - just take things at your own pace and don't beat yourself up. Even after several months of running, I still have 'bad' runs and I go through weeks when I feel I've lost my running mojo. It comes back so stick with it!
5. Find an exercise that suits you - maybe running isn't your thing - I tried gymming, yoga, swimming, gymming (again) and power plates. Each time I found it a royal chore - but finally, I found something that worked for me

Anyway, that's how running helped save my sanity and, I confess, I've become a running bore, so I'm sure this won't be the last post on this topic... here's I Ran from A Flock Of Seagulls to enjoy in the mean time!