The donor-cycle diaries, pt. 3, (how two incredible women changed my world).
Hello there! So another notable week, this time for some pretty incredible reasons. In fact, two amazing, inspirational women have, this week, changed my world.
Let's start with Michelle Obama. 'We' e.g. the 'infertiles' know how hard it is to be open about our fertility struggles. It is my belief that, the more we talk about it, the more we can shed the shame and stigma we feel. That's why I'm writing this blog and that's why it's rather thrilling that Mrs Obama has spoken about her miscarriage and subsequent IVF treatments that led to the birth of two lovely daughters.
This is remarkable to me for a couple of reasons, the first being this: for many women, including me, the struggle to conceive or maintain a pregnancy brings with it a deep sense of shame. Only last week, Katy Lindemann wrote a thoughtful piece about why infertility feels like failure. It really does. In my pre-infertility life, I thought I had it all nailed. Great job, great friends, fairy-tale marriage, beautiful house, exciting life-experiences all round. Yes, I had my problems, but one thing I definitely didn't feel like, was a failure. But here I am, years later, trying hard not to spiral into gloom despite sometimes feeling like a shell of my former self.
What was so inspirational about Michelle's disclosure wasn't how common miscarriage and fertility struggles are (although obvs that's important too) it was that someone who, in my eyes, is the epitome of success and all that's great in the world, has something in common with me.
And that brings me to the second reason why her disclosure was remarkable. She made me feel GOOD about my decisions to keep battling. To find a way. Because, Michelle didn't just give up... she found a way. She became a mother. And that's what I (and many people like me) are doing. We're finding a way. And suddenly, with that, I feel like less of a failure. Because I have never given up and I've found the strength to carry me to the situation I find myself in today.
And that's where I am now - right at the very start of these hurdles. Except that, unlike the cycles with my own sad little eggs, AMAZING Donor has over-delivered in every possible way, in fact, her egg yield was close to a record! So the early hurdle of 'are there enough eggs' has set us up for success in a way that our own egg cycles never could.
The day after egg collection, we woke up awaiting THE CALL. But, this time with less of a sense of dread than before. And we were rewarded with great news! There were 23 mature eggs (combined with a great sperm sample, well done Husb!) which had resulted in 14 embryos. WOW!!!!! I'd never managed more than six embryos in one cycle - and most of them perished after day one.
In a few days, we'll await the second call - to see how those precious little sparks of life have developed - and to start (fingers crossed) planning for embryo transfer.
I've spent many months planning for this moment, as the life of a total stranger came into sync with mine - what an incredible person AMAZING Donor must be to have gone through all of this, for two people she will probably never meet. When Altrui first talked us through the process, they explained that, while we can have no direct contact with the donor, we can pass her messages - and Altrui suggested that, if we wished, we could provide a written message and also a gift - a token of our thanks - that could be given to AMAZING Donor on the day of egg collection.
This idea has lurked in the back of my mind ever since we knew we'd found a donor. What on earth could we write to someone who was willing to do this for us? What gift could possibly repay her kindness - she is giving us the gift of hope, of life. In the end, I found a card that symbolised the two of us - anonymous but joined together in sisterhood. Together with Husb, I wrote a letter, explaining what this meant to us. And I found a gift that I felt conveyed our sincerest gratitude. I'm not trying to be vague about this - as I would have loved to read what other women had done in this situation but, conscious that our AMAZING Donor is anonymous to us and vice versa, forgive me if I don't give too many details here that could help identify us. But, if anyone reading would like to know more, please do email me and I'll happily share more information.
The night before egg collection was a strange one. Husb and I were both quietly collecting our thoughts. I hadn't planned to go to the clinic on egg collection day, believing that Husb would feel under pressure knowing that I was there anxiously waiting. But, actually, this was a miscalculation on my part and, just before bed-time, he sobbed and then so did I. What it boiled down to was this: our potential baby or babies (touch wood) would hopefully be conceived the following morning. But I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be directly involved. It's something that neither of us had anticipated - which is why, I think, it suddenly felt quite overwhelming. I had to keep reminding myself of the journey we'd taken to get to this point and that this was our best chance to become parents.
So, when the big day arrived, I went with Husb to our clinic, where Nurse Mary very gently explained what would happen and provided Husb with THE CUP. So off he went - and so did I - choosing to head off to work rather than sit impatiently staring at the clock.
As I jumped on the Underground, I suddenly began to cry. Might have been something to do with the song playing on my headphones but I realised that today was hopefully the start of our journey as a family. I found that overwhelmingly happy and sad, in equal measures.
So there we have it, it's been quite a momentous week in many ways. But my sense of anticipation continues to grow - and, it's certainly the most relaxed I have ever been at this stage of an IVF cycle. Next week will bring it's own challenges I'm sure, but for now I'm raising my cup of decaff tea in salute to AMAZING Donor and of course AMAZING Husb as I face the future with a new sense of excitement and hope.
Until then, here's the song that had me blubbing on the Underground. Thanks for reading!
 |
| Michelle, oh Michelle, how I love you more - if that's even possible |
Let's start with Michelle Obama. 'We' e.g. the 'infertiles' know how hard it is to be open about our fertility struggles. It is my belief that, the more we talk about it, the more we can shed the shame and stigma we feel. That's why I'm writing this blog and that's why it's rather thrilling that Mrs Obama has spoken about her miscarriage and subsequent IVF treatments that led to the birth of two lovely daughters.
This is remarkable to me for a couple of reasons, the first being this: for many women, including me, the struggle to conceive or maintain a pregnancy brings with it a deep sense of shame. Only last week, Katy Lindemann wrote a thoughtful piece about why infertility feels like failure. It really does. In my pre-infertility life, I thought I had it all nailed. Great job, great friends, fairy-tale marriage, beautiful house, exciting life-experiences all round. Yes, I had my problems, but one thing I definitely didn't feel like, was a failure. But here I am, years later, trying hard not to spiral into gloom despite sometimes feeling like a shell of my former self.
What was so inspirational about Michelle's disclosure wasn't how common miscarriage and fertility struggles are (although obvs that's important too) it was that someone who, in my eyes, is the epitome of success and all that's great in the world, has something in common with me.
And that brings me to the second reason why her disclosure was remarkable. She made me feel GOOD about my decisions to keep battling. To find a way. Because, Michelle didn't just give up... she found a way. She became a mother. And that's what I (and many people like me) are doing. We're finding a way. And suddenly, with that, I feel like less of a failure. Because I have never given up and I've found the strength to carry me to the situation I find myself in today.
"Standing, on the edge of forever, at the start of whatever, shouting love at the world." Take That, The FloodSo that brings me to the second woman that changed my world this week. Our Donor - who, from this day forward will be known as our AMAZING Donor. Anyone who's had IVF before will know that it's a series of hurdles. As soon as you overcome one, there's a new one ahead. Do I have enough follicles? Are there enough eggs? Are any of them mature? Was the sperm OK? Did they fertilise? Did the embryos develop? Did one implant? And so on....
And that's where I am now - right at the very start of these hurdles. Except that, unlike the cycles with my own sad little eggs, AMAZING Donor has over-delivered in every possible way, in fact, her egg yield was close to a record! So the early hurdle of 'are there enough eggs' has set us up for success in a way that our own egg cycles never could.
The day after egg collection, we woke up awaiting THE CALL. But, this time with less of a sense of dread than before. And we were rewarded with great news! There were 23 mature eggs (combined with a great sperm sample, well done Husb!) which had resulted in 14 embryos. WOW!!!!! I'd never managed more than six embryos in one cycle - and most of them perished after day one.
In a few days, we'll await the second call - to see how those precious little sparks of life have developed - and to start (fingers crossed) planning for embryo transfer.
I've spent many months planning for this moment, as the life of a total stranger came into sync with mine - what an incredible person AMAZING Donor must be to have gone through all of this, for two people she will probably never meet. When Altrui first talked us through the process, they explained that, while we can have no direct contact with the donor, we can pass her messages - and Altrui suggested that, if we wished, we could provide a written message and also a gift - a token of our thanks - that could be given to AMAZING Donor on the day of egg collection.
This idea has lurked in the back of my mind ever since we knew we'd found a donor. What on earth could we write to someone who was willing to do this for us? What gift could possibly repay her kindness - she is giving us the gift of hope, of life. In the end, I found a card that symbolised the two of us - anonymous but joined together in sisterhood. Together with Husb, I wrote a letter, explaining what this meant to us. And I found a gift that I felt conveyed our sincerest gratitude. I'm not trying to be vague about this - as I would have loved to read what other women had done in this situation but, conscious that our AMAZING Donor is anonymous to us and vice versa, forgive me if I don't give too many details here that could help identify us. But, if anyone reading would like to know more, please do email me and I'll happily share more information.
The night before egg collection was a strange one. Husb and I were both quietly collecting our thoughts. I hadn't planned to go to the clinic on egg collection day, believing that Husb would feel under pressure knowing that I was there anxiously waiting. But, actually, this was a miscalculation on my part and, just before bed-time, he sobbed and then so did I. What it boiled down to was this: our potential baby or babies (touch wood) would hopefully be conceived the following morning. But I wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be directly involved. It's something that neither of us had anticipated - which is why, I think, it suddenly felt quite overwhelming. I had to keep reminding myself of the journey we'd taken to get to this point and that this was our best chance to become parents.
So, when the big day arrived, I went with Husb to our clinic, where Nurse Mary very gently explained what would happen and provided Husb with THE CUP. So off he went - and so did I - choosing to head off to work rather than sit impatiently staring at the clock.
As I jumped on the Underground, I suddenly began to cry. Might have been something to do with the song playing on my headphones but I realised that today was hopefully the start of our journey as a family. I found that overwhelmingly happy and sad, in equal measures.
So there we have it, it's been quite a momentous week in many ways. But my sense of anticipation continues to grow - and, it's certainly the most relaxed I have ever been at this stage of an IVF cycle. Next week will bring it's own challenges I'm sure, but for now I'm raising my cup of decaff tea in salute to AMAZING Donor and of course AMAZING Husb as I face the future with a new sense of excitement and hope.
Until then, here's the song that had me blubbing on the Underground. Thanks for reading!
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