The donor-cycle diaries, pt.6, (how elation turned to anxiety in an hour).
TRIGGER WARNING: Please be aware that this post contains potentially distressing information.
So, my official test day came and went. The night beforehand I had a gentle word with Husb. It went something along the lines of "let's not get our hopes up, I don't feel that this is going to turn out well".
That morning I woke up at 5am needing a pee. In previous cycles, the minute I woke up I was running off to the loo with my pee-stick in hand. This time, not wishing to face reality any sooner than necessary, I got up, peed, and went straight back to sleep. No test.
Three hours later, I was up again, this time so was Husb and, sheepishly, I went off the the loo armed with my Clear Blue test. Returning to the bed, warm test stick in hand, I set it on the bedside table and Husb and I clung to each other for a minute or two. Sneaking a look, I kept seeing the dreaded hourglass symbol telling me there was no result yet. Until...
Um, "it's positive!" said I. In absolute shock and disbelief, Husb and I sat and stared at the result together, unsure what to say. For a brief moment, we allowed ourselves to be happy and, together, we rejoiced in a state of bliss and complete surprise.
For the first time in weeks, we actually had something to celebrate. But, my sense of elation didn't last for long. If you read my 2WW post, you'll recall I mentioned some lower back pains, like a burning sensation deep in my tailbone that I had only ever experienced during my two miscarriages. I hadn't had long to feel good about the morning's news before the pain returned and, throughout the day it started to intensify and I felt feverish. Coupled with a significant decrease in breast soreness, which I had noticed the day before.
By the end of the day, I was convinced that while our little Clearance Embryo had clearly stuck, this felt suspiciously like the chemical pregnancy I'd experienced two years prior. I went to bed, feverish, and when I woke the next morning, there was no change.
I texted my nurse. Essentially she said there's nothing that can be done right now, it's far too early to scan. I've been in this exact situation before - told that it was too early to scan and to wait it out. With my last pregnancy, I was a week further along than I am now - but it was the same. Fevers, back pain, disappearance of symptoms, particularly breast soreness. That time it was only when I spotted signs of bleeding that I was brought back into the clinic for a scan and blood test at what would have been 5 weeks pregnant. So, all I can do is wait it out again and pray that the bleeding doesn't come and that this is something different. Poor Husb doesn't know what to do with himself and, if I'm honest, neither do I.
In the meantime I am resting, in front of Netflix, trying (and failing) to stay off Google, hoping that, for once, I could be completely wrong.
I genuinely hope that next time I write it's with more positive news. After all, our little Clearance Embryo has proved itself to be a fighter, which is what I must be. So let's keep our fingers crossed that this one works out.
Thanks for sticking with us.
So, my official test day came and went. The night beforehand I had a gentle word with Husb. It went something along the lines of "let's not get our hopes up, I don't feel that this is going to turn out well".
That morning I woke up at 5am needing a pee. In previous cycles, the minute I woke up I was running off to the loo with my pee-stick in hand. This time, not wishing to face reality any sooner than necessary, I got up, peed, and went straight back to sleep. No test.
Three hours later, I was up again, this time so was Husb and, sheepishly, I went off the the loo armed with my Clear Blue test. Returning to the bed, warm test stick in hand, I set it on the bedside table and Husb and I clung to each other for a minute or two. Sneaking a look, I kept seeing the dreaded hourglass symbol telling me there was no result yet. Until...
Um, "it's positive!" said I. In absolute shock and disbelief, Husb and I sat and stared at the result together, unsure what to say. For a brief moment, we allowed ourselves to be happy and, together, we rejoiced in a state of bliss and complete surprise.
For the first time in weeks, we actually had something to celebrate. But, my sense of elation didn't last for long. If you read my 2WW post, you'll recall I mentioned some lower back pains, like a burning sensation deep in my tailbone that I had only ever experienced during my two miscarriages. I hadn't had long to feel good about the morning's news before the pain returned and, throughout the day it started to intensify and I felt feverish. Coupled with a significant decrease in breast soreness, which I had noticed the day before.
By the end of the day, I was convinced that while our little Clearance Embryo had clearly stuck, this felt suspiciously like the chemical pregnancy I'd experienced two years prior. I went to bed, feverish, and when I woke the next morning, there was no change.
I texted my nurse. Essentially she said there's nothing that can be done right now, it's far too early to scan. I've been in this exact situation before - told that it was too early to scan and to wait it out. With my last pregnancy, I was a week further along than I am now - but it was the same. Fevers, back pain, disappearance of symptoms, particularly breast soreness. That time it was only when I spotted signs of bleeding that I was brought back into the clinic for a scan and blood test at what would have been 5 weeks pregnant. So, all I can do is wait it out again and pray that the bleeding doesn't come and that this is something different. Poor Husb doesn't know what to do with himself and, if I'm honest, neither do I.
In the meantime I am resting, in front of Netflix, trying (and failing) to stay off Google, hoping that, for once, I could be completely wrong.
I genuinely hope that next time I write it's with more positive news. After all, our little Clearance Embryo has proved itself to be a fighter, which is what I must be. So let's keep our fingers crossed that this one works out.
Thanks for sticking with us.
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