The donor-cycle diaries, pt. 9 (at 20 weeks I ponder my decision to tell or not to tell).
Trigger warning: this post contains scan imagery.
It’s been a while! I admit, I've spent much of the last few months asleep but I’ve now reached the 20 week milestone – suddenly I'm starting to perk up! In this post, I’d love to give a general update on how things are going but, more importantly, I’d like to share a few things that have been on my mind, now that I’m a fully-fledged pregnant-with-donor-egg-mum-to-be!
First things first, reaching the 20 week milestone is massively significant for any pregnant woman. I try not to assume it’s a different experience for those of us who have experienced pregnancy after multiple losses but I’m glad to say that my weeks of agonising anxiety have suddenly started to ebb away.
The dreaded 2WW of old had become the dreaded 4WW; the typical amount of time in between hospital check-ups and scans. I noticed myself of getting into a pattern; the first two weeks post-check-up were spent in a state of euphoric happiness; reassured that all is well. Into week three, the feelings of doubt and fear start to creep back in, meaning that the days leading up to the next appointment start to feel like wading through molasses. I was living in slow motion!
The constant fear of miscarriage has now been replaced by an ongoing fascination with every little twinge and flutter which is, I now know to be, MY BABY MOVING!!! It's amazing (and slightly weird) feeling the internal flutterings. Of course I wonder if there's an alien in there but, according to regular scans, I can confirm it's an ACTUAL BABY!
So, at my 20 week scan, instead of being fraught with dread, I was far saner than ever before - dare I say it, I was RELAXED! I'm pleased to say that all seemed well; measurements were fine, heart rate looked good, placenta OK, blood flow OK etc. etc. So here is Baby at 20 weeks' gestation looking healthy and (already biased...) a little bit cute... 😌
As we approached our 20 week milestone, the inevitable question arose (from almost EVERYONE): will we find out the gender? This provoked a LOT of debate in our house. Husb was adamant that we should wait ("there aren't enough surprises in life") with me dying of curiosity to find out. I explained to Husb that, knowing my baby wouldn't pop out resembling me in any way, I was seeking other ways to bond with Baby in advance - hence I would like to know the gender. But then I thought about Husb and the fact that, so far, he has patiently and quietly done everything possible I've asked of him (rational or otherwise) without question. So I decided that he should have the final say on this decision and we asked not to be told. I confess I spent the whole time trying to spot definitive signs of a willy... but I could barely recognise anything I was looking at!! The sight of our healthy and fidgety little one was enough. And... if we change our minds, we'll be having scans at 28, 32 and 36 weeks.
That aside, the other major thing we've been navigating is ‘to tell or not to tell’ in relation to HOW I got pregnant. Most people haven't even thought to ask - many people know we were 'doing IVF' but I was surprised that some people were direct in their questions and comments ranging from "so, how did it happen then?" to "I KNEW it, as soon as you stopped trying, you got pregnant" (I put them straight, immediately explaining, without going into detail, that I required almost every medical intervention available!).
In the run up to announcing we were pregnant, Husb and I put a great deal of thought into exactly how we’d like to manage the narrative around our choice to become donor-conception parents. This, as you can imagine, caused months of emotional wrangling – mainly from me – and ranged between:
In the end, there were two key factors that drove our decision:
So that is how we decided that the only people we wanted to share our donor-conception journey with was our parents and an extremely exclusive club of our very closest confidantes* – those we absolutely trust not to breach our privacy, or our right to manage how we tell our child, and when.
*And not forgetting my ‘secret life’ lived through this blog – which only those same close real-world confidantes are aware of
During early pregnancy I also got to chatting via twitter with another lady at almost exactly the same stage of donor-egg pregnancy as me. She said something that really rang true. It was along the lines of “I’ve decided to come off twitter – it’s been a great community for me in my journey to date but, now I just want to switch off from the ‘journey’ and just enjoy being a pregnant woman".
I thought about this a lot and, while I’m still enjoying playing my part in the infertility community, my decision not to publicise my ‘journey’ within my real-life community has also helped me to do the same. I really feel like I’ve been liberated from years of baggage and have really started (albeit slowly) to enjoy being ‘just another pregnant lady’. Being free from questions or fear of judgement has freed my own thinking too: don’t get me wrong, of course I think about how Baby is a little donor-miracle – but I don’t dwell on it negatively or feel anxious about it in the way that I had once feared. I’m excited to see what pops out – what he or she will look like - and I’m excited to see Baby’s personality unfurl in our lives ahead. For the first time in years, I FEEL FREE!!!!!
And, on that note, if there’s one other thing that keeps me warm at night it’s the look in Husb’s eyes every time he looks at me now. I’m not ‘just another pregnant lady’ to him – I’m his wife, pregnant with our baby and I see the twinkle in his eye every time he’s reminded that THIS SUMMER, we’re going to be parents. I can honestly say, I can't remember being this happy.
So there we have it – all good at 20 weeks. Apologies again for the delay – but thank you for sticking with me!
It’s been a while! I admit, I've spent much of the last few months asleep but I’ve now reached the 20 week milestone – suddenly I'm starting to perk up! In this post, I’d love to give a general update on how things are going but, more importantly, I’d like to share a few things that have been on my mind, now that I’m a fully-fledged pregnant-with-donor-egg-mum-to-be!
First things first, reaching the 20 week milestone is massively significant for any pregnant woman. I try not to assume it’s a different experience for those of us who have experienced pregnancy after multiple losses but I’m glad to say that my weeks of agonising anxiety have suddenly started to ebb away.
The dreaded 2WW of old had become the dreaded 4WW; the typical amount of time in between hospital check-ups and scans. I noticed myself of getting into a pattern; the first two weeks post-check-up were spent in a state of euphoric happiness; reassured that all is well. Into week three, the feelings of doubt and fear start to creep back in, meaning that the days leading up to the next appointment start to feel like wading through molasses. I was living in slow motion!
The constant fear of miscarriage has now been replaced by an ongoing fascination with every little twinge and flutter which is, I now know to be, MY BABY MOVING!!! It's amazing (and slightly weird) feeling the internal flutterings. Of course I wonder if there's an alien in there but, according to regular scans, I can confirm it's an ACTUAL BABY!
So, at my 20 week scan, instead of being fraught with dread, I was far saner than ever before - dare I say it, I was RELAXED! I'm pleased to say that all seemed well; measurements were fine, heart rate looked good, placenta OK, blood flow OK etc. etc. So here is Baby at 20 weeks' gestation looking healthy and (already biased...) a little bit cute... 😌
 |
| Baby at 20 weeks' gestation |
As we approached our 20 week milestone, the inevitable question arose (from almost EVERYONE): will we find out the gender? This provoked a LOT of debate in our house. Husb was adamant that we should wait ("there aren't enough surprises in life") with me dying of curiosity to find out. I explained to Husb that, knowing my baby wouldn't pop out resembling me in any way, I was seeking other ways to bond with Baby in advance - hence I would like to know the gender. But then I thought about Husb and the fact that, so far, he has patiently and quietly done everything possible I've asked of him (rational or otherwise) without question. So I decided that he should have the final say on this decision and we asked not to be told. I confess I spent the whole time trying to spot definitive signs of a willy... but I could barely recognise anything I was looking at!! The sight of our healthy and fidgety little one was enough. And... if we change our minds, we'll be having scans at 28, 32 and 36 weeks.
That aside, the other major thing we've been navigating is ‘to tell or not to tell’ in relation to HOW I got pregnant. Most people haven't even thought to ask - many people know we were 'doing IVF' but I was surprised that some people were direct in their questions and comments ranging from "so, how did it happen then?" to "I KNEW it, as soon as you stopped trying, you got pregnant" (I put them straight, immediately explaining, without going into detail, that I required almost every medical intervention available!).
In the run up to announcing we were pregnant, Husb and I put a great deal of thought into exactly how we’d like to manage the narrative around our choice to become donor-conception parents. This, as you can imagine, caused months of emotional wrangling – mainly from me – and ranged between:
- It’s no-body’s business but ours
- I feel like I’m lying to people if I don’t tell the truth
- Why should it make a difference to anyone?
- Will people think/say cruel things either behind my back or, worse, to my face?
- Will I be able control the timing and messaging for my child – what if someone else tells him/her first?
- Don’t I have the right to feel and act ‘like any other pregnant woman’?
In the end, there were two key factors that drove our decision:
- This is between me, Husb and our baby. We plan to be honest with Baby early on – it’s important that it’s a ‘normal’ part of our discourse and not positioned as a shocking revelation; we’ll start that narrative when the time is right and articulate it in the way we see fit – it’s nobody’s business but ours!
- Our baby (and us) might need support from or have questions for those closest to us – it would be better if our nearest and dearest were up to speed from the start and we are open with them about how/when we will start the conversation. It’s also critical that they can be trusted to respect our decision not to share this information any further – it’s our choice who we do/do not tell and no-one else's
So that is how we decided that the only people we wanted to share our donor-conception journey with was our parents and an extremely exclusive club of our very closest confidantes* – those we absolutely trust not to breach our privacy, or our right to manage how we tell our child, and when.
*And not forgetting my ‘secret life’ lived through this blog – which only those same close real-world confidantes are aware of
During early pregnancy I also got to chatting via twitter with another lady at almost exactly the same stage of donor-egg pregnancy as me. She said something that really rang true. It was along the lines of “I’ve decided to come off twitter – it’s been a great community for me in my journey to date but, now I just want to switch off from the ‘journey’ and just enjoy being a pregnant woman".
I thought about this a lot and, while I’m still enjoying playing my part in the infertility community, my decision not to publicise my ‘journey’ within my real-life community has also helped me to do the same. I really feel like I’ve been liberated from years of baggage and have really started (albeit slowly) to enjoy being ‘just another pregnant lady’. Being free from questions or fear of judgement has freed my own thinking too: don’t get me wrong, of course I think about how Baby is a little donor-miracle – but I don’t dwell on it negatively or feel anxious about it in the way that I had once feared. I’m excited to see what pops out – what he or she will look like - and I’m excited to see Baby’s personality unfurl in our lives ahead. For the first time in years, I FEEL FREE!!!!!
And, on that note, if there’s one other thing that keeps me warm at night it’s the look in Husb’s eyes every time he looks at me now. I’m not ‘just another pregnant lady’ to him – I’m his wife, pregnant with our baby and I see the twinkle in his eye every time he’s reminded that THIS SUMMER, we’re going to be parents. I can honestly say, I can't remember being this happy.
So there we have it – all good at 20 weeks. Apologies again for the delay – but thank you for sticking with me!
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