The donor-cycle diaries, pt. 10 (when I'm 29 weeks and having a wee wobble).
I really ummed and aahed about whether to write this post. I hear from lots of women thinking about donor-conception, asking my thoughts on various topics. I considered how sensible it was to articulate my fears but I know I won't be alone in my worries and I think it's important that anyone considering donor-conception sees a true, warts-and-all perspective.
But first... let's pause on some good stuff. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and pleased to report that Baby is thriving (kicking the bejaysus out of me 😊). So let's start by celebrating that!
But... I've also been having a wee wobble lately. A couple of weeks ago I read this article. It really made me feel good about my choice to conceive with a donated egg - after all, what better testimonial than from a real-life donor-conceived child, articulating some of the ways her parents helped her to become a well-balanced and contented adult. Her parents had chosen to disclose her donor-conception journey from an early age. Full disclosure had led to a sense of stability and normalcy. Hurrah.
Fair enough, it's a biased account given that it appeared on a sperm/egg donation provider's website. I get that, but I chose to tweet the article in the hope it might be of interest to others in the same boat. Upon doing so I quickly received a reply, encouraging me to read a piece of research from the perspective of donor-conceived children. I read it immediately - hoping to see more reassurance that I was doing the 'right thing'. Again, I get it - I'm seeking validation of my choice, but it's never going to be that straightforward. It's far too complex for that.
The research, which I'm choosing to share here for the sake of transparency, painted a very different picture of donor-conceived children; distressed by their journey into the world. I recognise that there are factions that will never endorse the donor route; the ethics of this choice is something that has continued to trouble me (and, I suspect, always will). It is something I have considered at great length and sought professional counselling to help me navigate. I understand there will be some donor-conceived people in the world today, angry and hurt about how they came about.
But I also question the balance of this research. It doesn't differentiate the results between children of anonymous donors vs. traceable donors. I surmise that this is because the sample group are now adults; laws and regulations may have been different vs. today. It also appears to only show the negative - where are the questions and responses about their relationships with their parents or their broader sense of self? I don't believe any of these issues should be viewed in isolation.
What the research also shows is that while it's great that many of these (now grown up) donor-conceived children have been aware of their conception from early in life, most of them were conceived through anonymous donors - which led to them seeking DNA tests to trace both donor and potential siblings. Again, I suspect that this is a sign of the times. Twenty+ years ago the donor landscape was very different - today, people like me here in the UK can choose a traceable donor - and the increase of 'non-traditional families' means that many more children will be donor-conceived, for many different reasons. This, I believe raises a very fair question - whether, in this day and age, donor anonymity is still acceptable - a debate that, understandably, is gaining more and more traction.
I'm not going to wade in on that debate per se - it's based on a series of complex and highly personal choices for both donors and prospective donor-parents and I have no right to judge other people's choices - but I can talk a bit about our personal choice to seek a traceable donor. We weighed up what we perceived to be the pros and cons and made a conscious decision that we'd like Baby to have the freedom to discover as much as they can, when the time is right. I'm not ashamed of this choice - it was right for us and, we hope our child will benefit from that. But I'm also prepared for the fact that we have, to all intents and purposes, loaded us all up with baggage that may sometimes feel a heavy burden.
But, and maybe I'm just trying to justify it to myself...., the decisions that any and EVERY parent makes have the potential to come back and haunt them, right? Sometimes good intentions just aren't enough. I'm not shying away from the fact that things may be tough in the future, but I've made a carefully considered choice based on what I believe to be solid values. I believe I have set our baby up with honesty and freedom of choice going forward and, for now, I'm OK with that.
My response to questions about the ethics of this decision is always the same: these are highly personal choices. There's no right or wrong - but, I firmly believe that at the heart of this process should be what is right for Baby. Once you're clear on that, it's about whether you as a prospective parent can handle it. The thought that my baby will one day seek out his or her donor fills me with fear. But the thought that one day my baby will feel cheated that they cannot trace their donor is, for me, way worse. That's my choice and I can only hope that it was the right one. And... Baby is coming! So, instead of using my energy worrying, I'm going to continue what I've been doing to date - focussing on a healthy pregnancy and looking forward to all the love that will be lavished on this little one.
As always I welcome the perspective of others who have gone through or are thinking about going through donor-conception.
Thanks for sticking with me!
But first... let's pause on some good stuff. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and pleased to report that Baby is thriving (kicking the bejaysus out of me 😊). So let's start by celebrating that!
 |
| Baby at 28 weeks' gestation. Cute huh? |
But... I've also been having a wee wobble lately. A couple of weeks ago I read this article. It really made me feel good about my choice to conceive with a donated egg - after all, what better testimonial than from a real-life donor-conceived child, articulating some of the ways her parents helped her to become a well-balanced and contented adult. Her parents had chosen to disclose her donor-conception journey from an early age. Full disclosure had led to a sense of stability and normalcy. Hurrah.
Fair enough, it's a biased account given that it appeared on a sperm/egg donation provider's website. I get that, but I chose to tweet the article in the hope it might be of interest to others in the same boat. Upon doing so I quickly received a reply, encouraging me to read a piece of research from the perspective of donor-conceived children. I read it immediately - hoping to see more reassurance that I was doing the 'right thing'. Again, I get it - I'm seeking validation of my choice, but it's never going to be that straightforward. It's far too complex for that.
The research, which I'm choosing to share here for the sake of transparency, painted a very different picture of donor-conceived children; distressed by their journey into the world. I recognise that there are factions that will never endorse the donor route; the ethics of this choice is something that has continued to trouble me (and, I suspect, always will). It is something I have considered at great length and sought professional counselling to help me navigate. I understand there will be some donor-conceived people in the world today, angry and hurt about how they came about.
But I also question the balance of this research. It doesn't differentiate the results between children of anonymous donors vs. traceable donors. I surmise that this is because the sample group are now adults; laws and regulations may have been different vs. today. It also appears to only show the negative - where are the questions and responses about their relationships with their parents or their broader sense of self? I don't believe any of these issues should be viewed in isolation.
What the research also shows is that while it's great that many of these (now grown up) donor-conceived children have been aware of their conception from early in life, most of them were conceived through anonymous donors - which led to them seeking DNA tests to trace both donor and potential siblings. Again, I suspect that this is a sign of the times. Twenty+ years ago the donor landscape was very different - today, people like me here in the UK can choose a traceable donor - and the increase of 'non-traditional families' means that many more children will be donor-conceived, for many different reasons. This, I believe raises a very fair question - whether, in this day and age, donor anonymity is still acceptable - a debate that, understandably, is gaining more and more traction.
I'm not going to wade in on that debate per se - it's based on a series of complex and highly personal choices for both donors and prospective donor-parents and I have no right to judge other people's choices - but I can talk a bit about our personal choice to seek a traceable donor. We weighed up what we perceived to be the pros and cons and made a conscious decision that we'd like Baby to have the freedom to discover as much as they can, when the time is right. I'm not ashamed of this choice - it was right for us and, we hope our child will benefit from that. But I'm also prepared for the fact that we have, to all intents and purposes, loaded us all up with baggage that may sometimes feel a heavy burden.
But, and maybe I'm just trying to justify it to myself...., the decisions that any and EVERY parent makes have the potential to come back and haunt them, right? Sometimes good intentions just aren't enough. I'm not shying away from the fact that things may be tough in the future, but I've made a carefully considered choice based on what I believe to be solid values. I believe I have set our baby up with honesty and freedom of choice going forward and, for now, I'm OK with that.
My response to questions about the ethics of this decision is always the same: these are highly personal choices. There's no right or wrong - but, I firmly believe that at the heart of this process should be what is right for Baby. Once you're clear on that, it's about whether you as a prospective parent can handle it. The thought that my baby will one day seek out his or her donor fills me with fear. But the thought that one day my baby will feel cheated that they cannot trace their donor is, for me, way worse. That's my choice and I can only hope that it was the right one. And... Baby is coming! So, instead of using my energy worrying, I'm going to continue what I've been doing to date - focussing on a healthy pregnancy and looking forward to all the love that will be lavished on this little one.
As always I welcome the perspective of others who have gone through or are thinking about going through donor-conception.
Thanks for sticking with me!
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