When I grow up, I want to get pregnant using a donor egg...?

“No-one grows up dreaming of Plan B” said our wise counsellor, Jacqui. Like many women in my situation, the realisation that it was time to move on from Plan A did not happen overnight, but somehow it felt like giving up on myself and letting go of the hope that one day there’d be a mini-me running about was fraught with soul-searching, denial and some pretty unreasonable tantrums. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING TO ME. But, with Jacqui's help, I started to accept that it was reasonable for me to feel this way - after all, this isn't exactly the scenario I'd spent a lifetime planning for! So, together with Husb and Jacqui, I began to examine what options could work for me. I say ‘me’ because, even though this was a decision for us as a couple, it’s still me that has "unexplained infertility" and me that will hopefully, one day, accept another woman’s egg. Don’t get me wrong…. Husb had his own questions. But this is my blog, so…

The process that brought me to a place of acceptance was long, changeable and pretty twisty-turny. But it was necessary. Over the months, my overactive mind and propensity to anticipate problems before they happen drove me to distraction. But it was a critical process – and one that any couple should give themselves time to work through. In no particular order, here’s what kept me up at night (I really got my money's worth, discussing all this with Jacqui!):

1. Do I want to be a mother to my own genetic child, or do I want to be a mother, full stop?
2. How would I have a balanced, equal marriage if our children were genetically related to Husb, but not me? What if we divorced? Would that child still be ‘mine’?
3. Why would we bring a child into the world, already laden with the baggage of being donor conceived, when there are children out there, desperate to be adopted? Is that cruel?
4. Is it fair to deprive Husb of being a genetic parent just because I can’t?
5. Would it be so bad, just to be ‘us’ forever? Couples with no children have freedom, tidy houses (and money!). We could be one of “those couples”!
6. What if I don’t form a bond with the donor conceived baby?
7. What if my donor conceived child rejected me as a parent? Would “I HATE YOU MUM” ring in my ears forever?
8. Will it change the way my Husb sees me? Am I just a surrogate?
9. Do we really have the right to meddle with nature? Perhaps I’m just not meant to be a parent
10. Can our love for each other withstand this?
11. Can I love a child enough to make up for the fact that I’m not it’s genetic mother?
12. Am I strong enough to do this?
13. What if our donor conceived babies wanted to trace their donor? Where would this leave me?
14. Would it make life easier to have a donor that couldn't be traced? Or is it fairer to the children to give them the option?
15. What is the meaning of life without continuity? What's our legacy?
16. What if I give birth to an axe murderer or the next Hitler?

Me right now!

In the end, Jacqui helped me to see that many of my concerns were applicable to any parent - so I went back through my list and decided to focus only on the things that are unique to this situation, tuning out things that any other prospective parent to be would be worrying about. Life's too short, right? So here's how my list looked afterwards...

1. Do I want to be a mother to my own genetic child, or do I want to be a mother, full stop? I decided that I want to be a mother. I can love any child in any circumstance. So let's do this
2. How would I have a balanced, equal marriage if our children were genetically related to Husb, but not me? What if we divorced? Would that child still be ‘mine’? Life's complicated enough without pre-empting a make-believe divorce
3. Why would we bring a child into the world, already laden with the baggage of being donor conceived, when there are children out there, desperate to be adopted? Is that cruel? Baggage comes in all shapes and sizes, we just need to be honest with our children and prepared to support them 
4. Is it fair to deprive Husb of being a genetic parent just because I can’t? This was a killer. My instinct was that by adopting, we'd both have an equal footing as adoptive parents. Husb was cool with that, he wanted our choice to be one I'd be comfortable with, even if it meant that neither of us were to be genetic parents. But, my love for Husb also drove me to want our babies to be his 'minis'. I couldn't deprive him of that, just as he wouldn't have expected me to lose the opportunity had the tables been turned
5. Would it be so bad, just to be ‘us’ forever? Couples with no children have freedom, tidy houses (and money!). We could be one of “those couples”! Parenthood isn't an automatic choice. lt may feel like default setting but it isn't for many couples
6. What if I don’t form a bond with the donor conceived baby? I'm sure every pregnant woman worries about their bond
7. What if my donor conceived child rejected me as a parent? Would “I HATE YOU MUM” ring in my ears forever? Doesn't every teenager go through this? There are many other reasons a child might reject their parent
8. Will it change the way my Husb sees me? Am I just a surrogate? Thankfully my Husb doesn't over-complicate things like I do. I'm reassured that if things go well, I'll simply be his pregnant wife and mother to our babas 
9. Do we really have the right to meddle with nature? Perhaps I’m just not meant to be a parent This one really did tie me in knots. In fact, I had the same worries before starting IVF. But I figured that if the many marvellous LGBTQs can find ways to be parents - and make excellent ones at that - then why not me? Whether it's morally right is a deep question. But if any one of us has the capacity to be a loving parent, then surely that's the most important thing?
10. Can our love for each other withstand this? I've seen many a marriage struggle post-baby. Parenting is bloody hard work, right?
11. Can I love a child enough to make up for the fact that I’m not it’s genetic mother? I will love my children enough because I am their mother. I will have carried them, given birth to them and nurtured them at every step. End of.
12. Am I strong enough to do this? "Normal" parents don't pass an exam. I've already proved to myself I can do this. I've had 6 IVF treatments and two miscarriages... and am still standing!
13. What if our donor conceived babies wanted to trace their donor? Where would this leave me? It will be hard and I'm sure I'll worry about it. But we will be honest with them from day one, we'll respect their wishes and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!
14. Would it make life easier to have a donor that couldn't be traced? Or is it fairer to the children to give them the option? In the end, it was very important to us that any future babies have the option to trace their donor. It's their choice, which is why we decided that a donor should be UK based - even though it would possibly easier for us to find a donor abroad
15. What is the meaning of life without continuity? What's our legacy? Isn't this what drives anyone to have a family?
16. What if I give birth to an axe murderer or the next Hitler? Er.......

Hopefully you'll agree, this is a lot more manageable. Obviously I haven't stopped worrying, but I also haven't let myself be crippled by fear. Like anyone trying to become a parent, I accept that life will be full of unexpected highs and lows. And Husb and I will deal with them in our way, as and when. 

But these worries are a long way off - there's still a lot more to get through. Stay tuned for more...