When I finally feel like I'm 'over the rainbow'.

"This is about a journey; a journey towards hope. We all need a bit of hope in our lives, don't we" 

(Probably horribly misquoted from the 2019 film Judy)

It's my blogger-versary! One year ago, about to embark on my first donor-egg IVF cycle, I decided to chronicle my journey - for my own sanity, for those embarking on the same path and, most importantly, as a journal to share with any future babies. At that time, any time I referred to "my future babies", it was caveatted by "fingers crossed"... "all things being well"... "God willing". You get the idea. I didn't want to jinx the possibility that, maybe that time, I'd get lucky.

This is not the only milestone I've been thinking about this month. Last week, I was invited by Altrui (the agency who facilitated the egg donation for my cycle), to be a speaker at one of their open evenings - for people considering donor conception. Exactly two years prior, Husb and I attended this same event - and, as I entered the same room, the memories came flooding back. Except that this time I wasn't there staring at the floor thinking sheepishly about my own hopes for the future, I was invited to give hope to others.

A journey towards hope...

The day of the event, I had been to a Parent & Baby cinema screening of Judy. As Renée sat down to sing Over The Rainbow she told the audience; "This is a song about a journey, a journey towards hope. We all need a bit of hope in our lives, don't we" (or something along those lines). This sentiment touched me so much, I started my talk with this - because, two years ago, I walked into that room feeling like I had no hope. Infertility had left me bereft of optimism. Two miscarriages and six IVF cycles had all but beaten me but, somehow, Husb and I had found our way to Altrui where, thanks to three inspiring women (a donor, a donor-conceived adult and a donor recipient), we found a new sense of hope (you can read my post about that event here). That particular night I walked out of the room with a new spring in my step; a slight change of direction that would take me closer to my goal than ever before. 

So this week, thanks to an incredible donor found for me by Altrui, I was able to tell the attendees about how that event changed the course of my journey and resulted in a beautiful baby boy, now nearly four months old. As I started to talk, it was clear that my words resonated with many couples there - they too felt lost and alone, without hope. Each couple I saw had their own back story - some so very similar to my own. I found it profoundly moving to be able to tell them a bit about my journey. As I was talking I found I had so much to say but there were three things that I particularly wanted to convey - so I thought I would share them here with you too. In no particular order:

The importance of counselling: after my sixth IVF cycle, I was at breaking point. In the end, I took a year to grieve the process and allow myself time and space to consider other options. During that time, I regularly saw a counsellor. Sometimes with Husb, sometimes alone. I continued to do this throughout my pregnancy too. Counselling helped me to consolidate my thoughts and organise my worries - which, at first, were too overwhelming to process (read more here). If it weren't for my counsellor, I would never have had the mental clarity to embark on a donor cycle.

Why a UK donor? These days, tracing one's DNA and finding long lost connections is becoming commonplace. But I felt it was important to give any future babies 100% transparency and the chance to trace their donor in the future, should they wish. I am my baby's mother but he wouldn't exist without his donor. It's his journey and his right to know more. That's my personal choice, but it's well worth considering how you plan to manage this if you are considering donor-conception; imagine the conversations you plan to have with your children (and when you plan to have them) and let that guide how you manage the donor process.

Take a leap of faith: Choosing a donor is no easy thing - yet the information you get feels so scant - how on earth can you make a life-changing decision based on a questionnaire and some childhood photos? And yet, people do manage to do it! All I can say is, when you find the right donor, you'll know (and you'll definitely feel it in your gut when a prospective donor isn't right for you). Keep an open mind - know that you won't find a carbon copy of yourself - but you might find someone who just 'feels right' and fits with your values, your personality or simply your visual characteristics.

I was also really proud that my mum came to the event with me - and she spoke to a few attendees too. One of the things I wrangled with (and I know I'm not alone) was if or how my nearest and dearest would accept my choice. I asked my mum what she felt when I told her I was pregnant thanks to a donor-egg. "I was just so happy and I thought, 'hats off to the lovely girl that did this for you'", she said. Yay mum! My heart swelled with happiness as it does every time I see her cooing and doting over my little one, who has brought so much joy to the whole family.

At the end of the event I had the chance to speak with some of attendees - each of them said they recognised their own story in my words. It felt good to be able to give a sense of hope to them - as it does when I receive emails from readers asking me questions about donor-conception and updating me on their own progress.

So, if you don't mind indulging me, I've taken this moment to celebrate what I consider to be a pretty successful year. I hope to continue sharing my experiences in the hope that more women like me will find it useful. Thanks for sticking with us!

My little rainbow boy